Facing A Failed Adoption
At Adoption For My Child (AFMC), we walk alongside families through every step of the adoption journey — the joyful moments and the heartbreaks. One of the most difficult and emotional parts of adoption is when an adoption plan falls through, often called a failed adoption.
Failed adoptions are heavy with emotion. For adoptive families, birth parents, and even adoption professionals, it can feel like the ground has been ripped out from under you. It’s important to acknowledge all the feelings involved and trust that even in the pain, God is still writing a beautiful story.
The Emotions Involved
For Adoptive Families:
- Grief and Loss: You may have already imagined life with the child — names chosen, nursery decorated, prayers said. When the adoption doesn’t happen, it feels like losing a child you already loved.
- Confusion and Doubt: It’s natural to question, “Did I do something wrong?” or “Was I not good enough?”
- Fear: Fear about starting over. Fear about getting attached again. Fear that maybe this dream will never come true.
For Birth Mothers:
- Overwhelming Love and Conflict: Choosing to parent when you once chose adoption is not an easy decision. It often comes from a deep, painful wrestling in a birth mother’s heart.
- Guilt: There can be guilt toward the family she was planning to bless through adoption.
- Hope and Fear: Hope for her ability to parent — and fear about whether she can truly provide everything her child needs.
For Adoption Professionals:
- Heartache for Both Sides: We witness firsthand the pain on both ends and feel deeply for everyone involved.
- Responsibility and Support: We do everything we can to support the decisions made, but sometimes outcomes are out of our control.
How to Overcome the Pain of a Failed Adoption
- Grieve the Loss — Allow Yourself to Feel Everything.
You have the right to mourn. It’s not “silly” or “overdramatic” to cry, question, or even feel angry. Loss is loss, even when the child was never physically home with you. - Lean on Your Support System.
Whether it’s your spouse, family, counselor, church family, or adoption support groups — don’t walk this alone. Healing happens faster when we share our burdens. - Remember the Birth Mother’s Heart.
Though it hurts, understanding that a birth mother’s choice to parent comes from a place of love can bring some peace. It does not diminish your worth as an adoptive parent. - Keep Your Heart Open.
It’s tempting to “shut down” after the pain. But if God has called you to adoption, He will give you the strength to stay the course. Your story isn’t over. Healing might mean pausing for a season, but don’t let fear have the final word. - Trust in God’s Plan.
Jeremiah 29:11 reminds us:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
When an adoption falls through, it’s easy to think the door is closed forever. But often, it’s simply a redirection — a painful one, yes — but one that is steering you toward the child God has prepared specifically for your family.
A Prayer for Those Walking Through a Failed Adoption
Heavenly Father,
We lift up every heart broken by a failed adoption today.
Wrap them in Your peace, the kind that surpasses all understanding.
Remind them that You are not done yet — that You are a faithful Father who turns mourning into joy.
Help them trust that Your plans are better than any we could create ourselves.
Give them the courage to keep hoping, to keep believing, and to keep saying yes to the beautiful future You have for them.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
If you’re walking through a failed adoption right now, please know you are not alone.
At AFMC, we are here to support you, pray with you, and help you find hope again.
God’s timing is perfect — and your story is still unfolding in ways more beautiful than you can imagine.