Explaining a Failed Adoption to Your Child
When you embark on the journey to expand your family through adoption, your heart becomes fully invested. You dream, you prepare, and you envision your family’s future with the new child. But sometimes, despite all the love and hope you’ve poured into the process, the adoption doesn’t happen.
A failed adoption brings profound emotions not just for the parents, but for the entire family — especially the children already in the home. Explaining a failed adoption to your child can feel overwhelming. How do you put something so big and painful into words your child can understand? How do you protect their heart while honoring the truth?
At Adoption For My Child, we understand how deeply this experience can affect your family. That’s why we’ve created a Downloadable Guide to help you navigate these difficult conversations with care, compassion, and confidence.
Today, we want to walk you through a few key points from the guide and offer encouragement as you face this tender moment.
Prepare Yourself First
Before you talk with your child, take time to process your own feelings. It’s okay to grieve, to feel sad, disappointed, even angry. Give yourself space to work through your emotions so that when you speak with your child, you can do so calmly and reassuringly. Children sense our emotions deeply, and your calm presence will help anchor their own feelings.
Choose the Right Time and Setting
Pick a quiet moment where you won’t be interrupted. Whether it’s snuggling on the couch, a peaceful walk outside, or sitting at the kitchen table, the environment should feel safe and loving. Make sure you have time — your child may have questions or emotions they need to work through, and they deserve your full attention.
Use Age-Appropriate Language
Children of different ages understand things differently. Speak in a way that matches their developmental level:
- Ages 3–5
“We were hoping a new baby would come live with us, but it didn’t work out. It’s okay to feel sad. We love you very much and our family is still full of love.” - Ages 6–10
“We were very excited about bringing a new baby into our family, but sometimes things don’t go the way we hope. The adoption isn’t happening now. It’s okay to feel disappointed. We’re all here for each other.” - Ages 11–15
“The adoption we were planning didn’t happen, and the baby won’t be joining our family. It’s normal to feel sad, frustrated, or confused. We’re here to talk whenever you need.”
(You can find even more examples and suggested wording in our Downloadable Guide.)
Validate Their Feelings
Let your child know it’s okay to feel sad, mad, confused, or disappointed. Assure them that their emotions are real and important. Phrases like,
“It’s okay to feel that way,” and
“Thank you for telling me how you feel,”
help children feel heard and supported.
Reassure Them
One of the biggest fears for children is the worry that love will change or disappear. Reassure them:
“Our love for you never changes. Our family is strong and full of love, no matter what.”
Keep Communication Open
Let your child know they can ask questions anytime. Some children may need to revisit the topic days, weeks, or even months later. Be ready to listen patiently and answer honestly, always emphasizing love and security.
Find Comfort Together
Sometimes a little distraction helps the healing. Play a favorite game, go on an outing, watch a comforting movie, or simply spend extra time together. These small moments of connection can ease the sadness.
Know When to Seek Help
If your child is struggling to process their feelings or if you see signs of ongoing sadness or anxiety, don’t hesitate to reach out to a child therapist or counselor. Sometimes professional support is the strongest gift you can offer.
Remember: Healing Takes Time
You’re not expected to “fix” the sadness overnight — for yourself or for your child. Healing from a failed adoption is a journey. With love, patience, and openness, you and your child can move through this together and emerge stronger on the other side.
❤️ You are not alone.
We at Adoption For My Child are here to walk beside you through every chapter of your family’s story — the joyful ones and the heartbreaking ones.
Be sure to download our free resource:
👉 Guide to Explaining a Failed Adoption to Your Child
for practical advice, sample conversations, and continued support.